Fear

Is my fear of Alzheimer’s bringing me closer to or further away from the fundamental realities of life, from God?  Could it be that the vulnerability that I’m feeling (for the first time in my life) will make it possible for me to recognize for God at the emotional level, too.  Will my fear anchor me more deeply in the present? 

What is the fear?  Is it actually a fear of death?  I suppose ultimately it is, but I’ve never been conscious of any fear of death.  Perhaps it’s a fear of non-being, but what’s to fear about non-being?  As much as I’m hate to think of myself lying in a nursing home bed, I’m not aware of fear.  Disappointment and sadness?  Yes.  Fear?  I don’t think so. 

Every day I notice something more that is amiss in my mind.  I’m typing slower and with many mistakes; I’m so easily distracted; I’m so slow in getting things done; my memory seems to be getting worse by the week.  Are those things evidence of worsening disease or am I beginning to imagine things in order to conform to the diagnosis? 

At what point will my impairment become obvious enough to me that I internalize the diagnosis?  Or is it already obvious to me?  What would I say if I were my own physician?  Probably the same ambiguous things that my doctor is saying: “Well, it looks pretty convincing; we can’t be sure, of course, without more data points, but it is beginning to look that way.”  If I were my own physician, I’d share my deep concern.  But I wouldn’t be any more definite.